Hello Mercury friends and lovers!
It's been roughly 10 years in the making, but the Mercury finally, finally, FINALLY has a brand new website! "But wait a frikkin' chicken second," I hear you cry. "I DESPISE CHANGE OF ANY SORT!" Look, I get it: It's not always easy to navigate a new website, but just think of it like another indoor mask mandate. You put it on, struggle to breathe for three minutes, realize it's not so bad, and then start harshly judging anyone who isn't wearing a mask. In other words, trust me! You'll get used to it! And after a few minutes of insufficient oxygen, you may even start to LOVE IT!
Sooooo... would you like a guided tour? Well, do come in! (But take off your shoes at the door—after all, we aren't animals.)
THE FOYER:
Check this out! So since our breach birth in the year 2000, the Mercury has always featured Portland and Pacific Northwest artists on the cover of our physical paper. That is until computer scientist Tim Berners-Lee invented the internet and ruined everything for everyone. "Cover art," as it were, didn't really work with our website, so it went away. But now? Fuck Berners-Lee, because we're bringing it back, BAY-BEEEEEE! Expect a brand new "cover" every week at portlandmercury.com—and say hello to this week's artist, Jesse LeDoux!
PARLOR/RECEPTION ROOM:
Okay, scroll down a bit, because this is where we "receive" you as guests, presenting three stories you simply must read—or don't and instantly signal your ignorance to the rest of the world. But I promise, it's always good stuff! AND it comes with emojis! Yes, yes, "fuck the internet"... but you have to admit emojis are the best things ever to come from it. Here are my seven favorite emojis: 😎👍🤷♂️👻🎩🦤🚑
THE DRAWING ROOM:
This is where you'll probably be spending A LOT of your time during visits. This next section not only showcases all of our top, must-read stories, but if you let your eyes drift to the right, you'll see a constantly updating feed of our latest articles—which is coincidentally called "THE LATEST." Formerly known as "Blogtown," and before that, "Blogtown PDX," and before that, "Reginald Pole, Archbishop of Canterbury," the newly-named "The Latest" is where you'll still find all our newest stories in chronological order—yep, even dating all the way back to our very first Mercury news story from 1891, "Local Judas Sells Turnips Without a License."
THE POWDER ROOM/HALF-BATH:
COLUMNS! Goddamn, you LOVE our columns, and this is where you'll find them. Savage Love, Pop Quiz PDX, The Trash Report, Hear in Portland, and the column that everyone loves to hate to love, I, Anonymous. Feel free to drop off your own anonymous submissions... but please: Remember afterwards to put the seat back down.
THE DOWNSTAIR'S BEDCHAMBER:
Ooooh, lots of fun stuff happening in here, let me tell you. Not only will you find spotlighted articles featuring our best arts and entertainment writing, there's also "The Hot List" which pulls up a lot of great past Mercury stories which are highly relevant this week. For example, IT'S HOT OUTSIDE, OKAY?!? So expect stories about beating the heat and more. But from week to week, it could be cop stuff, queer stuff, political stuff, funny stuff, artsy stuff, rough stuff, or even Hilary Duff-stuff. HOPE YA LIKE "STUFF"!
THE STAFF'S QUARTERS:
Hey! Don't look in here! This is the home of our regular writers and their most private, scandalous seeeecrets. Okay, fine. You can look... but just a peek! (First let me check to see if everybody's decent... NOPE! But go ahead and look anyway. Don't forget to sign the non-disclosure form on the way out!)
THE BUTLER'S PANTRY:
And finally, here's the section where we store all those terrific, recent articles that are super important... and yet? Apparently you didn't have time to read them. I mean, I get it... we're all busy. You've got podcasts to listen to, and super cute rompers to try on. But I would wager that every article you read in this section is AT LEAST as important as a super cute romper (maybe not this super cute romper... goddamn, that's cute... but very, very, very, VERY important).
And that's the tour! Now here's the part where I ask you to contribute money to help us pay for our reporting and this website, and... WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING?? Hermes! (That's our butler.) Activate the security gates and laser protection systems! These people aren't going ANYWHERE.
As I was saying, all this fantastic, important journalism and fun entertainment we provide on a daily basis certainly ain't free. And sadly, advertising alone simply can't pay for it all anymore. That's why we would love for YOU to show your appreciation by dropping a small donation (seriously, even five bucks helps), or better yet a monthly contribution, to keep our ragtag (but now infinitely more attractive) site going strong. We work our buttz off for you every dang day, because we believe in Portland and the idea that everyone—especially those who historically don't have a voice—is protected. In short, help us help them and you. You're the best, I adore you, and... HERMES! Open the gates!
Okay, you're free to go, but we hope you'll come back soon and keep exploring our swanky new site where all sorts of surprises are in store! Drop me an email if you see something that doesn't work right or bugs the shit out of you, don't forget your shoes, and as always, exit through the gift shop.
Yer always pal,
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Editor-in-Chief
Portland Mercury
He/Him
