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GOOD AFTERNOON, PORTLAND! Here's a reminder for all you sexy people out there... the Mercury is throwing a special one-night only screening of HUMP! 2022 on the big screen at Revolution Hall on Wednesday, October 26—featuring the hottest (and often hilarious) short porn flicks from horn-dogs just like YOU. Now let's look at some only occasionally sexy NEWS.

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Today in IT'S ABOUT GODDAMN TIME: Portland will finally, finally, FINALLY create a "School Speed Zone" of 20 mph around Cleveland High School and the far-too-speedy Powell Boulevard as soon as this Thursday, following a vote from city council. Our Isabella Garcia has more!

• Today in "BE VERY SUSPICIOUS":

• After being caught violating city election laws—by accepting deeply discounted office space from moneybags Jordan Schnitzer and then hiding it—wildly inexperienced (and downright cruel) city council candidate Rene Gonzalez found out today that the city will be withholding $71,000 public matching fund payments from his campaign until he pays the fine he owes taxpayers for his blatant actions. (Sheesh! If he's this shady now, just imagine what he'll do if he gets elected!)

• Portland's air quality was even WORSE today thanks to smoke pouring in from the Nakia Creek fire, with monitors reporting levels in many neighborhoods as "unhealthy for all groups of people." Meteorologists are hoping for a break in the system trapping the nasty air over Portland, and things should (hopefully) be cleared out by Friday when showers are predicted.

• Starting next week, the Oregon Department of Environmental Quality will begin evaluating the earthquake vulnerability of dangerous fuel storage tanks in the tri-county area to hopefully prevent a predicted environmental disaster when (not if) the big one hits.

IN NATIONAL/WORLD NEWS:

• Once again Trump is caught with his tiny hand in the cookie jar: A judge has ordered the former president's lawyer to turn over 33 documents to the January 6 committee, which he said shows that Trump knew the court docs were filled with voter fraud lies... yet he signed off on them anyway.

• Vladimir Putin has declared martial law in four annexed (read: STOLEN) regions of Ukraine, while also cracking down on the righteous dissent against him spreading across Russia.

• Right on brand: Congressional Republicans have introduced a new homophobic bill that would ban funding of any "sexually oriented programs," which—yep!— include "any topic involving gender identity, gender dysphoria, transgenderism, sexual orientation, or related subjects.” 

• The family of George Floyd announced they're going to file a $250 million lawsuit against antisemite and all-around asshole Kanye West, following shitty comments he made about Floyd's death.

• As a beautiful reminder of our infinitesimal existence in the universe:

• And finally... here's hoping you're living your best life.