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GOOD AFTERNOON, PORTLAND! Looking for the perfect gift (for someone else or yourself)? Tickets, I say, TICKETS! Preferably tickets to see the 2023 edition of the HUMP! film festival or the triumphant return of the Undisputable Geniuses of Comedy—featuring the best of the best of Portland's talented stand-up scene all on one stage! Just a suggestion, but do it. And while you're at it, do some NEWS.

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Welp, it was good while it lasted! The illegal psilocybin-selling Shroom House on West Burnside has been shut down by the fuzz, after local media (not us) went into a click-bait story-writing frenzy which (good for the shop) generated long lines and eventually (bad for the shop) the early morning raid, the confiscation of all the magic 'shrooms, and the arrest of two people. This is why we cannot have nice things.

• A group of Black Portlanders are filing a civil rights lawsuit against the City of Portland and Legacy Emanuel hospital for “using undue influence and intimidation to remove plaintiffs from their family homes based on their race” in the late ‘60s and early ‘70s. This classic act of business-inspired racism has never been effectively addressed... so will the Black families who lost their homes and generational wealth finally get what they're due? Our Alex Zielinski has the story.

• Remember that electrical grid in North Carolina that was attacked last Saturday, leaving thousands without power? An OPB investigation revealed that electrical grids in Oregon and Western Washington has been physically attacked at least six times (!!) since mid-November. The FBI is investigating. (Sounds like more domestic terrorism to me! Has anyone asked the Republicans what's up?)

• Somewhat related, I think: Oregon's voter-approved Measure 114—which would be the nation's toughest gun law—did not go into effect today as planned, after the state Supreme Court refused the Attorney General's pleas to overrule a Harney County judge who put a temporary hold on the measure, due to constitutional concerns. The judge will revisit the lawsuit brought by extremist gun-humpers gun enthusiasts next week.

• QUERY: How well do YOU know Portland dive bars? The latest political scandals? And how did a local Grinch meet a VERY grisly death? See how well YOU score in this week's edition of Portland's fave trivia quiz, POP QUIZ PDX!

IN NATIONAL/WORLD NEWS:

• "Dark Brandon" strikes again: In some very good news, the Biden administration has secured the release of WNBA player Brittney Griner from a Russian prison. The not-so-great news: The only way she would be released was with a trade for creepy arms dealer Viktor Bout, who apparently... as they say... knew too much about Russian secrets, but never spilled the beans while in custody.

• More good news: A bill that would protect same-sex AND interracial marriages has sailed through congress and is heading toward the desk of... DARK BRANDON. (Who will sign it, of course.) Note: Only 39 Republicans voted for it. 🤨

Cry GIFfrom Cry GIFs

• The DOJ is asking a federal judge to hold Trump and his legal team in contempt for refusing to turn over even MORE classified documents that were stolen from the White House and were only recently found in a storage facility near Mar-a-Lago. 

• Reminder to AVOID THE NEW YORK TIMES today as workers have staged a 24-hour strike. You can go back to Wordle tomorrow. And another reminder: Posting your Wordle scores on Twitter is really obnoxious and everyone is rolling their eyes at you.

• And finally... I prefer this to the yellow card.