A few weeks ago, we asked Mercury readers to fill out our semi-annual Sex Survey to discover how Portlanders “do it,” when they “do it,” and who they’re “doing it” with! And as usual, we discovered one enduring, indisputable fact: YOU GUYS ARE DIRTY, DIRTY BIRDS! Don’t believe me? Well, numbers don’t lie, my friends—as you will clearly see in the following results from the 2018 Mercury Sex Survey! (Note: The following stats are rounded up to the nearest percentage point. Would you like ALL the results without the smart-ass analysis? CHECK OUT THE FULL RESULTS TO ALL THE QUESTIONS HERE.)

Look at All the People You’ve Had Sex With!

Wow! According to this graph, you people are pretty impressive at boning! Digging deeper into the stats, we discovered that 40 percent of cisgender men and 49 percent of cisgender women have had more than 15 sexual partners. Meanwhile, when asked for their tally thus far, the majority of our queer-identified readers (36 percent) responded, “I don’t know—numbers don’t go up that high.” That’s the spirit!

About Those Nude Pictures You’ve Been Sending....

Sending nude pictures of yourself is like riding a jet ski: You know it’s the wrong thing to do... and yet? Goddammit, it’s fun. That said, get a load of this stat: Women are far more likely to send pictures of their juicy bits (82 percent) than men (a modest 54 percent). This is good, because dicks aren’t exactly photogenic. Meanwhile, everything about women is photo-worthy, which is why 59 percent send photos of their boobs, and 17 percent send pics of their butts. However, only a scant 5 percent send vagina shots. (I get it, ladies... vag pics are hard to light, and require a lot of quad strength.)

And Now... the Most Fuckable Members of the Trump Administration!

Look: I’ll admit putting this question in our survey wasn’t our finest moment. But the toothpaste is out of the tube, so let’s just grit our teeth, get it over with, and move on with our lives, okay?!? If push came to shove, the majority of you would have sex with United States Secretary of Homeland Security Kirstjen Nielsen (BLECHH!). But let’s prolong this agony by also seeing how you’d fuck the Trump co-conspirators according to your sexual identification.

In Order of Fuckability, Straight Men Prefer...
Kirstjen Nielsen
Sarah Huckabee Sanders
Kellyanne Conway

In Order of Fuckability, Straight Women Prefer...
Kirstjen Nielsen
Ben Carson
Jared Kushner

In Order of Fuckability, Gay Men Prefer...
Jared Kushner
Mike Pence
Ben Carson

In Order of Fuckability, Lesbians Prefer...
Kirstjen Nielsen
Sarah Huckabee Sanders
Betsy DeVos

Very Few People Would Ever Want to Fuck Trump, But...

...when given the choice of “peeing in his hair,” “peeing down his throat,” “peeing in his eyes,” “peeing on his extra-long tie,” or “peeing up his butt,” a resounding 46 percent of you would pee into his eyes. Good, we’ve talked about it, let’s move along, and never mention this again.

Let’s Play WHO... GETS... THE MOST... ACTION?

Some of you are more sexually adventurous than others, and if you are? Congratulations! You’ll receive the Mercury’s Official Sex Survey Cookie (while supplies last*). This means that some of you (not a lot, but some) fuck Lyft drivers, Amazon delivery people, and maintenance workers. But who of these working-class heroes gets the most action? LET’S FIND OUT. According to the survey, Amazon delivery drivers get the least door-to-door sex at .5 percent. Doing slightly better are Lyft drivers, who have a 2 percent chance of getting boinked on the job. But it’s the heroic plumbers, electricians, and maintenance people who get their pipes cleaned the most at 5.5 percent. (Remember this when it comes time for holiday tipping.)

*Whoops, just ran out.

Sex—How Much Is “Never Enough”?

To the surprise of absolutely no one, the majority of sex survey respondents (69 percent) WANT MORE SEX, PLEASE. But here’s an interesting statistical anecdote: While a whopping 58 percent of people in “confident married/unmarried relationships” want more sex than they’re currently getting, only 10 percent of people in “miserable married/unmarried relationships” want more sex. How come? Well, the way I see it, miserable people aren’t interested in having sex with their miserable partners. While understandable, that’s also sad. LIFE IS SHORT, PEOPLE. STOP BEING MISERABLE. GET A NEW PARTNER ALREADY. The rest of you should have more sex. (Wow! I am so good at giving unsolicited advice!)

Porn—How Much Is “Never Enough”?

Portland, you’re watching more porn than ever! To be exact, your current dirty movie regimen (watching up to one hour of porn per week) has jumped from 41 percent in 2015 to 51 percent today! While dudes are still the main purveyors of cinematic smut (at 48 percent), porn-watching women are quickly closing the gap at a very impressive 42 percent. (Like occasional porn but have never been to the HUMP! film festival? YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE MISSING! Click here for all the details.)

Let’s Talk Orgies

Orgies (like taking nude selfies) are also like jet skis: They seem kinda gross, but I really want to try one out. And according to the survey, 30 percent of you have! However, I’m curious... how does this break down according to sexual orientation? Let’s find out.

Who’s Had an Orgy?

Your Top 10 Kinks/Fetishes

This graphic speaks for itself. However, just for fun, we cross-referenced “the people who would fuck Mike Pence” with certain fetishes, and here’s what we discovered: 65 percent of people who would fuck Mike Pence would also spank him; 43 percent would offer Mike double penetration; 23 percent would be interested in fisting Mike (or maybe being fisted by him); and 23 percent would engage Mike in erotic asphyxiation. Mike Pence is a dirty boy. (Also of note: Of the 971 respondents that listed their kink/fetish as “Group Sex,” 51 percent have not participated in an orgy. Get off yer buttz and find each other, people!)

Apparently, You Like Public Sex

Hey, stats don’t lie, and the stats say you like to fuck in public (or at least have happily tried it out). Here are your top five fave places to have sex in the public sphere:

Parked Cars (Keeps Chiropractors Employed): 94 percent
Neighborhood Parks (My Seven-Year-Old Found Your Condom, Thanks): 52 percent
Moving Car (Cannot Advise): 45 percent
Public Bathroom (Convenient for Washing Up Afterward): 44 percent
Parking Garage (Only Slightly Less Expensive Than the Unicorn Inn): 34 percent

Where Can I Find Sex Partners?

Hey, old-timers! For those of you who often gripe, “IN MY DAY, we didn’t need any new-fangled Tinder machines to meet sex partners! We jerked off into a can of soup and died alone!”—you’re in luck! A majority of Portlanders still find their sexual partners the old-fashioned way: at bars (55 percent) and at work (49 percent), leaving poor Tinder coming in a distant third (32 percent)! (Stats are unavailable for those who jerk off into cans of soup.)

With All That Sex, How Do You Get Any Work Done?

As previously noted, you like to find sex partners at work. Sixty-three percent of you have banged a co-worker, while only 14 percent have banged a boss. As for you bosses out there, times (and HR departments) sure have changed, because only a tiny 11 percent of you are banging employees. (Abusive power dynamics are practices best reserved for bedroom fantasy roleplay, don’tcha know.)

Monogamy vs. Monogamish

While a majority of you (49 percent) want to have sex with only your sweetie-boo (which is so adorable, and I mean that condescendingly), according to our survey, there’s a growing wave (38 percent) of monogamish folk who will not be ignored! “Monogomish” is that sweet, sticky middle-ground of people who like fucking sweetie-boo, but if everyone is informed and in agreement, might enjoy fucking sweetie-boo #2, too. (Can we all just agree never to say “sweetie-boo” again?)

The Wildest Things You’ve Done in the Last Year

In your own words:

☑ “Fucked a contractor, repeatedly, in exchange for home repairs.”

☑ “High-fiving a friend while we both fucked his fiancée. She rolled her eyes at us. Worth it!”

☑ “Sexted and made out with my much older coworker.”

☑ “Had a sexy threesome with two strangers on a boat while anchored in the Columbia River.”

☑ “I had sex with all three of my partners in one day.”

☑ “Ignored my partner by looking at Facebook while I rode him.”

☑ “I had cam sex with a stranger in front of my husband.”

☑ “Attended a clown gangbang orgy.”

☑ “Had anal sex in a tent in the woods.”

☑ “I sold my pee-soaked panties for $300.”

☑ “Really hot sex in the backseat of a car at Whole Foods.”

☑ “Threw an all-Trans orgy with 40 participants.”

☑ “Fucked a minister in his office!”

☑ “Had sex in my grandparents’ basement.”

☑ “Masturbated on Facetime while in a Bolt Bus bathroom.”

Things You Want to Do Before You Die

Again, in your own words:

☐ “Sex with a super-rich, super-hot guy, and then tell him he sucks.”

☐ “Scissoring with a hot woman.”

☐ “Female Dracula.”

☐ “Avoid a ‘devil’s triangle.’”

☐ “Peg my straight friend Daniel.”

☐ “Be in a HUMP! film.”

☐ “Pansexual orgy.”

☐ “Sex on a boat.”

☐ “Getting fucked hard on the hood of my hot rod.”

☐ “Write autobiography about my sexual accomplishments.”

☐ “Orgy with the Portland Thorns!”

☐ “Penetration with a genuine former Playmate, not just a ‘test shoot’ candidate.”

☐ “I want to be gangbanged by at least 10 well-endowed guys, more if possible.”

☐ “Sex with a gymnast.”

☐ “Get fisted by Tom Hardy.”

☐ “Tag team a buddy’s wife just for fun. Sorta like helping with yard work.”

☐ “As a mostly-gay man, to fuck a pussy.”

☐ “Fuck a straight dude with a strap on.”

☐ “Fuck a uniformed police officer.”

☐ “Fuck a sexy octopus.”

☐ “Have sex with someone while reading this quote in the Sex Issue of the Mercury.”

☐ “I feel accomplished and ready to die.”

The Fine Print

All about you: Of the 2,508 people who completed this survey, 47 percent identify as cisgender women, 43 percent identify as cisgender men, 9 percent identify as genderqueer, nonbinary, or other, .70 percent identify as trans men and, and .29 percent identify as trans women. 100 percent of all of you are loved by the Mercury.

Read the full results of all the questions here!