Hips don’t lie—but Shakira’s accountants do.
Hips don’t lie—but Shakira’s accountants do. John Moore / Getty Images

Hi everyone, and welcome to another week of garbage. And wow, what a week. Really one of the worst I can recall, and that's saying something, because the times? They are bad. And as the nation is grieving another massacre of children by users of mindbogglingly legal firearms, nothing seems to be changing at all, again—except that now I take a picture of my daughter every morning before I drop her off at school so I remember what she is wearing should it be necessary to identify her body later on. (It's a great addition to the morning/mourning routine.)

So that's where I'm at. But I'm forcing myself to find some funny things to share because I need to briefly focus my eyes on things that are not horrific and you probably do, too. Shall we?

Ray Liotta Died

I KNOW IT'S NOT FUNNY THAT RAY LIOTTA DIED. But I have to tell you how I found out. So, I'm perusing gossip blogs on my phone, as I do, when I see a post from TMZ about what the actor who played the caddy in Happy Gilmore looks like now. You remember the caddy from Happy Gilmore? That very minor character in a movie that came out 26 years ago? Using precious moments of my one life on Earth, obviously I clicked through to see what he looks like now. And the gorgeously chaotic layout of the phone version of tmz.com presented me with this:

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It looks like they're saying that the caddy grew into Ray Liotta. And that's funny.

More like "Cockamas" County

Speaking of hilarious internet interfaces, a Mercury reader recently shared with us what Google did to a headline of ours:

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The headline in question actually read "Clack County Clerk's Colossal Cock-up." Say, are those a bunch of uncounted ballots in your pocket, Clackamas County Clerk Sherry Hill, or are you just happy to see us?

Untitled Diane Lane Project

This Oregon story about the romance author who shot her husband has gotten national attention. It is sad and depressing—all murder is, of course—but in 15 years it will make an excellent film, because I researched which actresses will be Nancy Brophy's current age in 15 years and... OMG how good will Diane Lane be in this movie?? And WHAT IF they get Josh Brolin to play the husband?! Murder = bad... but this movie I've dreamcasted = the pinnacle of filmmaking.

Shakira is a Tax Dodger

So says the country of Spain, where Shakira allegedly failed to pay over 15 MILLION DOLLARS in taxes due to some misunderstanding of "where" she "lived" from 2014-2016. Shakira has a history of problems with this country that she's made her home (while refusing to acknowledge it is her home); just last year she and her son were attacked in a Spanish park by wild boars who destroyed her purse. But hearing now about this tax thing makes me wonder if maybe she owed those boars some money, too?

Exclusive Ghosts, Today Only!

Today is Memorial Day, and if you are lucky enough to have the day off work (or even 10 whole days, like the US Senate Republicans, who refused to take action on gun control) and if you're in Portland, you can visit the mysterious Rae Room at Wilhelm's Portland Memorial Mausoleum. The room holds the remains of wealthy lumber baron George Rae and his much-younger wife, Elizabeth, in a crypt that is only open to the public once a year, but hasn't actually been open for over two years because of COVID. The remains of almost 100,000 other people are also housed at the Mausoleum, which is surely haunted so no way in hell I'm going, but have fun.

I leave you with this picture of baby Maple the Beaver so that her squishy nose and flat tail might lift our broken hearts. Our elected officials won't help us; maybe she will?

With love,

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