To the Christian, funk bass player that I fell for on Bumble. Next time, make sure you out yourself earlier than 3 months in. I should have known when on date 5 we made out for an hour at a lounge. It was obvious that when I asked you to come back to my place that I wanted to continue and have sex. Yes, I said it "sex." Yet, your inner turmoil got the best of you when I started unbuttoning your shirt and you called for an uber. It didn’t matter. I fell hard. You opened doors, had a Texas accent, and wore boots, and called me. The only person I know that loves Kendrick Lamar as much as I do. But, you landed a bomb. You were playing funk bass at this church. Then the light in the tunnel. You asked me over to binge watch “Insecure” the show, which I introduced you to, and I could crash there. How dare you get my hopes up and then tell me you are celibate after I straddled you. You have been going to church. WTF. Next time do us both a favor and write Christian, Funk Bass Player on your profile. I already bought you a Christmas Gift and planned our lives together. I have taught Middle School students, how much closer to Jesus can you get?