Hi there! I think we all had a good time with the inaugural Trash Report last week, so I’ve written another one and I hope it puts a little zig in your zag. A little cream in your coffee. A little button on your snowman, if you know what I mean. To enjoy, simply place this window over your Zoom screen window and pretend to be completely focused on your meeting. Good luck!

My brain in the middle of meetings when I should be paying attention pic.twitter.com/45lF74N330
— Mike from Wiscansin (@skinny_que) March 15, 2022

The folks at the Multnomah County DA's office are feeling very overworked lately because there are simply too many criminal cases to prosecute, and yet they keep having their budget cut and losing staff. At the same time the cops are getting... more money? Not to be an armchair government budget expert... but doesn't it seem like if there are more cops, there will be more people getting arrested, and more criminal cases? Or hell, since everybody wants to change how this city is managed, maybe I should be in charge?!? Patiently awaiting your dark money donations!

This is a much cuter thing happening in this state: I learned from KGW that Oregon State University scientists have built a website sharing the names and personality traits of some of the Oregon Coast's star whales! My favorites are probably the mother-daughter duo Clouds and Cheetah, cuz it's cute that when there's a big ol' ocean to explore they still like to hang out together, and Orange Knuckles, because he is reportedly quite horny for lady whales and shows off by copying their jumps. <3 Let's get this to catch on so we can use our favorite whales as a personality descriptor, instead of bragging about which wing of a wizard school we'd live in?

More local animal news coming up, here in the subcategory of non-living: Portland's beloved elk statue is being returned to its elk business downtown. Yay! That is unless you share the vibe of shady political action group People 4 Portland, who are outraged because the statue won't be elking atop a water fountain as it had in the past. In a fundraising email (scooped and shared by our own Alex Zielinski), they frothed that "city officials are rewarding the vandals" by ditching the fountain. Okay... for one, the fountain isn't the statue; the statue is the statue. The statue is coming back. Chill. But for TWO, if the vandals were actually being rewarded, the city would be giving them back the whole thing including the fountain so they could re-vandalize that as well. They're just making a garbage point garbage-ier.

The latest outrage by @People4Portland: The elk statue that's coming back to downtown Portland... isn't going to have a fountain attached to it anymore? pic.twitter.com/H46vvvUlcJ
— Alex Zielinski (@alex_zee) March 11, 2022

If you knew you were going to get slammed for tweeting something, would you still tweet it? Journalist Julie K. Brown went for it:

Newsflash: It is actually possible to read more than one kind of thing! I read a lot of fiction, but would definitely also read nonfiction when it's a 12-part tome on how Julie K. Brown got fucking roasted on Twitter for this stupid tweet (which has since been deleted, ha ha. A little too slammed there, Julie?).

This story out of Ukraine is very weird, so I hope it doesn't become very, very bad: Former Washington GOP Representative/current domestic terrorist Matt Shea is for some reason involved in organizing adoptions for Ukrainian children—which on its face, okay, is noble. But every piece of information shared by The Seattle Times is more damning than the last. Some choice snippets include: "I do not know what Matt Shea and his friends are doing here around children" and "I got the feeling in my gut that something’s wrong with this guy; he didn’t want to tell me his last name" and the organization has "no legal basis for caring for children.” There's nothing cute to add to this except that the UN says not to adopt children from war-torn countries during the time of conflict, so maybe please focus your do-gooder efforts on not stealing children? Thanks for your non-child stealing cooperation!

It's weird that I've never wondered what a Prince of Crypto would look like, yet feel 100% validated that it is precisely like this:

JUST IN: TIME will release its first-ever full magazine Issue as an #NFT with a cover article on #Ethereum Co-Founder Vitalik Buterin. pic.twitter.com/bbWsWLsiHP
— Watcher.Guru (@WatcherGuru) March 18, 2022

Look, I've been in labor before and I could barely walk around, let alone crush a Disney banger while it was happening. But Stephanie Beatriz apparently did just that: the Encanto actress told Variety that her labor had already begun while laying down one of the smash film's tracks, “Waiting on a Miracle"—and her daughter was born the next day. “I didn’t want to tell anybody at Disney because I didn’t want anyone to freak out,” she said. And it’s like, cute, you were literally waiting on a miracle! But also: not cute, because like, maternity health and safety for women in this country are fucking abysmal and even though I'm sure she was fine in a studio somewhere and not in actual danger it's still depressing! C'mon, ladies! Take time off!!

Speaking of time off, it's Spring Break for Portland students and teachers and families! I'm outta here. 👋

Yours in the dumpster fire,