Hello Trash Pandas, and welcome back to another batch of trash from me, your friend Elinor Jones. Man, is anyone else just loving being able to breathe outside again?! What a treat! I'm very like, ahhhhhhh, taking big ol' gulps like it's almost closing time at the oxygen buffet. Like I'm going to have to bust out my old maternity pants because I'm going so hard on all this sweet, sweet air. The decadence. Air. What a treat.
Jan. 6th Committee Issues a ...You Know... to Trump
On Friday the January 6th Committee announced that they have formally subpoenaed Trump to testify about his role in the attempted insurrection. I start with this morsel of trash for two reasons. For one: We're gonna rag on England a bit today, which I've been doing a lot, and I want to make clear that I know we are as messy—or perhaps even messier—a bitch as the UK, and I don't run from that. And for two: It's been six years since Trump was elected, and him and his posse have been nonstop in the courts for being shady AF the whole time, and I think it's unfair that I still can't spell subpoena right on the first try. To not officially change the spelling of subpoena to suhpeenah, or something like that, is a slap in the face to doofuses like me who have no advanced understanding of complex legal matters, but who still want to chime in.
Related: Trump crony Steve Bannon, who has reached his "Find Out" stage after extensive "Fucking Around," was sentenced to four months in prison for contempt of Congress. In response, Republican representative Marjorie Taylor Greene tweeted: "I stand with Steve Bannon." Now, we don't know for sure yet if she means she intends to stand with him literally in a jail cell for four months, or if she stands with him metaphorically in his usual place, which is slumped over beneath a bridge demanding that passersby solve his riddles three. Either way, you do you, Marj—especially if it keeps you quiet for a while.
Classic English Tea
Fresh off the death of Queen Elizabeth II comes the resignation of British Prime Minister Liz Truss, who served only 45 days and was outlasted by a head of lettuce. Lizzie the Queen was the longest-serving monarch; Lizzie the PM was the shortest-serving PM. Women named Liz: setting records every day. Loving that big girl boss energy! #yasqueens #slay
Many people whose brains have been broken by constant exposure to the internet (raises hand) are convinced that Truss, who is famously a Swiftie, opted to quit when she did because Taylor Swift's 10th studio album, Midnights, was set to be released just hours later, and she'd rather listen to that than do whatever a Prime Minister does. Interesting theory, but I don't believe it. Truss has a history of communicating through Swift lyrics, and I'm sure it killed her to have to make a public statement right before Midnights came out, because she couldn't comb it for material and a fresh quote. But Truss has her whole life ahead of her, and it's only a matter of time before she posts a selfie on Instagram and captions it with lyrics from Midnights, like "it's me, hi / I'm the problem, it's me / at teatime everybody agrees / it must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero." And maybe in the selfie she's clearly been crying? So we have that to look forward to.
Speaking of people's brains breaking from the dangerous combination of Taylor Swift and the internet, the Washington State Dept. of Natural Resources' Twitter account could not warn residents of an upcoming earthquake drill without acknowledging that this is, in fact, Taylor's world; they're just pretending to shake it:
We're having a statewide earthquake drill this morning — which is good because, from the looks of the Swifties on our timeline, many of you are woefully unprepared for earth-shaking events. #ShakeOut— Washington State Dept. of Natural Resources (@waDNR) October 20, 2022
The separation of Olivia Wilde and Jason Sudeikis continues to be the mess that keeps on messing, with a story out last week in which a former nanny spills a lot more tea about the timeline of the collapse of their relationship. I don't know how much of it I will believe, but the part about Jason Sudeikis being sad that Olivia Wilde was making Harry Styles salad with her secret dressing is a detail far too crazy to be made up, and had everybody like:
me trying to figure out what's in that salad dressing pic.twitter.com/F49nTc1Ox8— anne t donahue (@annetdonahue) October 17, 2022
Olivia Wilde punk'd all of us by first denying the story, and then sharing a salad dressing recipe on Instagram. Bitch, what?!?!??! This was an opportunity to shift the blame of this saga to a new character, which Olivia embraced for like, 20 minutes, and then blew it the fuck up. Olivia Wilde has taken this to the next level. Olivia Wilde is playing 3D chess. I don't know what will happen next, but you can bet your secret salad dressing recipe that I will be following along.
In Local News: **Wild Shrieking Intensifies**
Usually I like to wrap these columns with a pleasant bit from the local news, but all the local news right now seems to be about how Oregon might end up with a crazy right wing governor, and it's causing me a tremendous amount of stress—so if you could all please promise to review the Mercury's endorsements and vote right now, right this very second, I'd really appreciate it.
Okay, you get one cute thing:
Beavery afraid pic.twitter.com/uvWyngbUXj— Oregoth Boo (@OregonZoo) October 20, 2022