Hiyeeeee. It's me, Elinor Jones, hoping you've all had a great week. If you're reading this, it means you survived, which is high praise in this gun-ridden shithole of a country. If your heart's been aching and you're too shy to say it, I hear you, I love you, and I've prepared for you this beautiful TRASH REPORT.
She's No Stranger to Love
Pamela Anderson is about to release a pair of projects about her life—a memoir, and a Netflix documentary—where she'll get real about her life, marriages, family, and how pissed she was about the Hulu show Pam & Tommy that came out last year. I would like to take this moment to share the review that I wrote of the series which acknowledges how icky and invasive the series felt... you know, in case Pamela is reading this and would like to be friends. She seems like a very nice person! Also, I'd like to hear more about the time she almost hooked up with Julian Assange while goofed up on mezcal. I have questions.
You Know the Rules, and So Do I
The "you" I refer to above is Oregon Senate Republicans, and despite knowing the rules, they seem to be strategizing ways around them. This past November, Oregon voters passed a law that our elected reps can't miss more than 10 days of work or they can't run again, which aimed to prevent the repeated walkouts Republicans organized to prevent votes. But, because the main thing they do at work is avoid work (been there!), they've drawn up new plans on how to lollygag and prevent the body from doing any of the things that they were elected to do. I'll give them this: They know the game, and they're gonna play it.
A Full Commitment's What I'm Thinking Of
Congratulations are in order for spaceman Buzz Aldrin, who last week made his full commitment to his human girlfriend, Dr. Anca Faur. The wedding ceremony was held the same day as his birthday and the day he was honored for his contributions to aviation, and I really respect that this 93-year-old man simply combined three fancy events so he wouldn't have to keep dressing up and schlepping around. #oldmangoals
On my 93rd birthday & the day I will also be honored by Living Legends of Aviation I am pleased to announce that my longtime love Dr. Anca Faur & I have tied the knot.We were joined in holy matrimony in a small private ceremony in Los Angeles & are as excited as eloping teenagers pic.twitter.com/VwMP4W30Tn— Dr. Buzz Aldrin (@TheRealBuzz) January 21, 2023
You Wouldn't Get This From Any Other Guy
Look, I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling, and I gotta make you understand that I'm feeling Not Great because "Oregon faces a dire water future," according to a new report from the Secretary of State's office. This is hard to wrap my head around when it's literally raining outside right now, but that's why I write The Trash Report and not actual reports.
Speaking of being stupid, stupid Meta said they're "never gonna give you up" to Donald Trump and are letting him back on stupid Facebook and stupid Instagram after having banned him for last two stupid years. My theory is that Twitter already let Trump back on (even though he's still not tweeting), Elon Musk got a lot of press for it, and Mark Zuckerberg really misses being the biggest villain in tech.
Don't Tell Me You're Too Blind to See
...that I've been doing a very lazy rickroll on this here post, and this is why: '80s legend and man behind the meme Rick Astley is suing musician Yung Gravy for mimicking the vocals from "Never Gonna Give You Up" on a new single. According to TMZ, Astley licensed the instrumental hook only to Gravy, but Gravy went ahead and copied the voice too, so Astley is suing him. I wish him luck! Not just because Gravy boosted Astley's vocals, but because the single he did it on is called "Betty (Get Money)" and I feel like this is to trick the good and decent people who are trying to listen to the Taylor Swift banger "Betty" on Spotify, but will accidentally click on Gravy's song and then accidentally like it—but only because he stole Astley's sound! Who would've thought that the man I only became aware of for taking Addison Rae's mom Sheri to the VMAs would stoop so low for attention?!
More on Taylor Swift: Congress recently held a hearing over Ticketmaster totally botching their sales of tickets to her upcoming Eras tour. Many Senators peppered their statements with Swift lyrics, and I can just imagine how amazing it must have felt for all the exhausted and earnest 30-year-old women working in political communications to have been given that moment to shine. Very like, "I can make this whole place shimmer" where the place is the hallowed halls of the United States Capitol.
And more on people suing each other: Consumers have been hoodwinked into believing that tiny bottles of Fireball contained whiskey, as it states on the bottle, when they actually contain malt liquor and wine. "We wanted a different kind of worst hangover of our lives!" the complaint probably read.
Never Gonna Say Goodbye
Except for right now, because I'm all done for today.