Whaddup, sluts!* Welcome to another edition of THE TRASH REPORT, where I, Elinor Jones, am back on my bullshit, and you can read along. It's gonna be a hot week, which means our trash will be extra stinky. Plug your noses and let's go for a dive!

Biden has COVID

In another example of being late to the game, President J. Robinette Biden finally got COVID after pretty much everyone else has already had it, so it's not really exciting anymore. Honestly it feels a little desperate? Like everybody has been so mean to him lately and hardly anyone likes him so maybe we'll go easy on him for a minute while he works through having a serious disease? LOL, nice try! If the president wants us to recall his humanity, maybe he should take literally any action to protect ours.

Trump was a bad president, but at least it was fun when he had COVID.

Isn't it kind of weird there is a senator named JOSH?

The January 6th committee used a prime time hearing last week to put Missouri Senator Josh Hawley on blast for running from the very same angry mob that moments before he'd encouraged with a raised fist. Everyone on Twitter had a nice time with it.

In the hearing room itself, the video was greeted with laughter, and I think back to when then-candidate Trump was roasted by Seth Meyers at the White House Correspondents Dinner in 2011, and everyone laughed at him and Trump channeled that humiliation into literally becoming president. Therefore Hawley is likely to follow Trump's footprints into the presidency... as quickly as he ran away from Trump's supporters on January 6th. Zing! Or: Sure, Hawley should enter the race for president—we know he loves running! One more: Career politician Josh Hawley experienced at running for office cover. Oh, we have fun. :)

Isn't it kind of funny that his name is JOSH, though? Nothing against the name—it's a good name. But it's a name for someone you have a crush on in middle school, not a senator. It just makes me realize that some day we're going to have a Senator Braydlyn, or maybe even a President Tynslee, and we're not ready.

Full of Gas, Full of Himself

There's a famous line from Arnold Schwarzenegger movie Conan the Barbarian where, when asked what is best in life, Conan says: "To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women." Speaking of lamentations of women, actress Miram Margolyes, who co-starred with Arnold in the 1999 film End of Days, recently stated that Arnold intentionally farted in her face while filming a fight scene: "I was playing Satan’s sister and he was killing me, so he had me in a position where I couldn’t escape and lying on the floor. And he just farted." She also said: "He’s a bit too full of himself and I don’t care for him at all." I wouldn't either after that! End of Days? More like Wind of Days!

That's What I Call Comprehensive Healthcare!

The current COVID wave has the potential to overwhelm Oregon hospitals again, which is last in the nation in hospital beds per capita, which is a terrible thing I just learned and I need you to also know it, so I'm not alone in my panic. But as one to always look for the silver lining, the increase in healthcare needs might also be causing an increase in healthcare meet-cutes? While perusing craigslist missed connections I found multiple listings for folks who got flirty at pharmacies and other places like that. Yes, people! If you've got health insurance, you should be getting the most out of it, and by that I mean all necessary care and medicine as well as some action. I'm rooting for this cutie:

That's all I've got for you this week, friends! I hope you stay safe and happy. If anybody needs me, I'll be channeling this true hot girl summer vibe:


* I ran a Twitter poll to see if this was appropriate and the results left me no other choice, bae: