Hiyeeeeee, and welcome to another edition of The Trash Report. It's a-me, Elinor Jones, overdressed and under-confident, ready to hold hands with you and drive Thelma and Louise-style into this trash heap called life, except we won't die. (Probably.) Let's go!

The Trash Ex-President

I feel like anything I write about the FBI raiding Trump's tacky Florida mansion for a duffel bag of nuclear secrets will be out of date within moments of this post going live, because it's nonstop bombshells with all that mess, but I see it and I'm with you and I'm laying flat on my back during the storm with my mouth wide open,  drinking up every delicious drop of that man's demise. I'm not smart enough to really grasp the global risk of nuclear secrets getting out, so I'm able to appreciate all the jokes about it:

I bet whoever came up with the password for those secrets is so pissed that they have to change it. I bet it was a good password, too. Probably not just 80085 which hilariously reads as "boobs" upside down and is definitely not my password for everything, so don't even think about trying it! 

Bad Words and School Massacres: Equally Bad?

NPR, which I like to think is a little bit more chill in general about moral panics, put out the dumbest tweet about the stupidest article about Texas gubernatorial candidate Beto O'Rourke calling a heckler a "motherfucker," and wringing their hands about whether this was too much for the sensitive ears of children and the elderly who heard it:

This was as Beto was discussing the murder of nearly two dozen children. And they're saying it's the f-word that may have crossed the line into indecency, and not the murder of nearly two dozen children. The article quotes an alleged political expert who said "These are voters who are Democratic voters, Republican voters, who don't have an issue with profanity in their private life, but hold public officials and those making public pronouncements to a higher standard," straight-faced about an electorate that twice voted for Donald Pussy-Grabber Trump!? NPR is usually a news organization that will both-sides an issue, but this time they failed to interview an expert who is cool with politicians using expletives, like me, who would have said: "It was cool what Beto said."

The Dream of the Aughts is Alive in New England

Blech, that was too many Trump mentions for my comfort. Now I gotta go in exactly the opposite direction, and into the best story of 2022 so far: American popular culture royalty and ultimate early-aughts throwback Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez continue to cleanse our palates with their romance. The pair was recently papped like this:

As we can see, Affleck has introduced New Yorker J. Lo to Boston culture, which Lopez is embracing, thus signaling an ease of tensions to the 400-year rivalry between New York and Boston. It also reminds all of us gals that if we wait long enough, the dirtbag we're in love with will change, and we can have it all!

Monkeypox in Oregon, and Other Skin Exposure

As our Isabella Garcia recently reported, monkeypox is on the rise in Oregon. While the virus has primarily been found among gay and bisexual men, experts state that "anyone who has skin is susceptible to this virus." In other words, this is good news only to Nickelodeon's Inside-Out Boy:

These experts have not yet confirmed that going over the top of the swing will protect you from the virus, but the CDC is pretty much phoning it all in at this point, so it can't hurt, right?

Speaking of skin, rocker Tommy Lee recently posted his whole hog to instagram and it was up for several hours. This, despite the social media site being known to quickly remove posts showing what they consider to be too much skin from women and trans and nonbinary people. Am I mad at the double standard? Yes. Am I also mad that nobody—not one of you—thought to let me know about the post while it was live? Oh, you better believe it.

I'll leave you now with this:

And the question: was this bear "rescued" from hallucinogenic honey, or did some haters totally harsh his mellow? 

I know I've given you a lot to think about! Thanks for exercising your brains so hard with me. 

Smell ya later,