What's up, Trash Pandas! Tomorrow is election day. I'm freaking out! Vote! Make your friends vote! Follow this guide! AHAHAHAHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRGGGGGGGHHHH.

Phew. Sorry. The rest of this column will be written with the assumption that everything is going to be okay. 

"Lollllllll no one likes you"

The great tweet "Lollllll no one likes you" was sent back in 2017 by one Chrissy Tiegen to then-president Donald Trump, for which Trump blocked her. As we all know, Trump's account has since been suspended, which kinda proved Chrissy right? At the time he seemed like the thinnest-skin megalomaniac of all time.

Then last week, Elon Musk bought Twitter, immediately made the platform worse, advertisers bailed, and Musk had a temper tantrum, blaming "activists." Buddy, welcome to capitalism, where people don't pay for shit they don't want. In fact, just a few days ago Musk himself tweeted, "Capital allocation should be done by those best at doing so." What's it mean then, when he stops allocating capital? And getting $8 from Garfield doesn't count.

It's gross to pay so much attention to Elon Musk and I hate that we are doing it, because it's exactly what he wants—but what's nice is that at least things are going badly for him.

One downside of changing up the blue-check system is that you never can know for sure who you're talking to. This is what happened in the early days of Twitter, before the checks. '90s Teen Beat mainstay Devon Sawa confirmed as much (via Twitter, of course), recounting that lots of fans were swooning over dms allegedly from none other than '90s Teen Beat centerfold Jonathan Taylor Thomas, who'd told Sawa—by phone, so quaint!—that he didn't even have Twitter. We're looking at a future where a lot of people are going to once again believe they're in a serious relationship with JTT, and it's both extremely bleak and something I would like to fall for. 

In Local News

OMG there is so much happening in local news that it makes my head spin and I'm grateful that Alex Zielinski writes for this rag and so smartly has explained what's happening with Ted Wheeler's camping bans, which just passed a City Council vote, which hopefully serves as another reminder of how much local elections matter.

Speaking of, the campaign against Measure 26-228 (which would make improvements to Portland's wonky system of government) is all over the socials claiming that "100s of your neighbors & friends" stand against the change. Eagle-eyed local activist and former council candidate Candace Avalos noticed that those "100s" were actually the same people copy and pasted a bunch of times:

Also, one of the "people" is a furry?

So we've learned that at least one kinda interesting person is against charter reform, but mostly that the NO campaign are a bunch'a frauds.

Savage, but in a Bad Way

Rihanna got everyone's panties in a bunch in a good way with new music and a tour, and then promptly got everyone's panties all in a bunch in a bad way by sharing that wife-beater Johnny Depp would be featured in her upcoming Savage x Fenty show on Amazon Prime. It's gross that anyone would give Johnny Depp a platform anymore, especially a platform on which he might be wearing a mesh tank top or pleather jock strap. Like, is this athleisure for men to wear while throwing bottles of wine at their partners? Is that the direction a mega-star like Rihanna wants to go? Good luck with that and good riddance, Savage X Fenty. To think I was this close to buying the pleather jock strap!

Speaking of tours, patron saint of heterosexual (maybe???) relationships Taylor Swift announced a tour of her own, which will be called Eras. The tour won't come to Portland (booooooo) but it will stop in Seattle, and a nice thing about being 40 is being able to afford spending a dumb amount of money on something silly like a Taylor Swift concert. I actually took a Buzzfeed quiz that was supposed to predict my age based on what songs I want her to play at her concert, and it said I'm 33 which is wrong, because as I mentioned, I'm 40, which in millennial years is actually legally 30. Close, though!

And before you make fun of me for taking a Buzzfeed quiz, keep in mind that we're about to lose Twitter and we're gonna need to find something to do on the internet real fast, so I'm trying to revive some 2010 habits. Besides, you're lying if you say you don't want to know which Disney princess you are, based on a stack of pancakes. (I'm Cinderella.)

Millie Bobby Brown's Adult Relationship

Gossip site Celebitchy REALLY FREAKED ME OUT with this baiting headline: "Millie Bobby Brown: With Henry Cavill, it feels like a real adult relationship." Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr WHAT? Are they saying that 18-year-old MBB is in a relationship with 39-year-old Henry Cavill? Gross! Because it sounds like that, right? From the title? They cleverly do not specify the kind of relationship. But it is a FAKE OUT: In the interview she discusses their adult *sibling* relationship on their Netflix movie Enola Holmes 2. That was a dirty trick, Celebitchy! But honestly, props for making me click through to a story about Henry Cavill, Hollywood's most boring celebrity (now confirmed).

Okay, that's all I've got for now! If you've already voted, please enjoy this video of my foster puppies biting my slipper. If you haven't voted yet, let me know and I'll have them bite you (it hurts.)